Of Sticks and Clear Water

One of the ways Russ and I have shared about our time in Thailand is to say, “We’ve spent 30 years together most of which has been focused on raising our family and building careers to support that family. The time has now arrived to create something new. How do we want to spend the next 30 years of our life together?” Often we restate this question, asking “What is my purpose? What is my passion? What is my work on this planet?” Shouldn’t these questions have an answer by our early 50’s?

Yet these are very big questions and one could only hope they can be answered in this year or two away. At the present moment I feel like these questions should have an answer by now…really?….barely 8 weeks since arriving in Chiang Mai…REALLY?? I’m feeling quite lost which comes and goes as do most feelings and emotions…some days are great and spontaneous while others feel absolutely underwater. I’m so torn between finding a “calling”, getting myself out in the community to explore my options or…just plain and simple rest.

When i look over the last 8 years or so i’m struck by the “life” that i’ve lived. So, so, so much has happened! Business’s dissolving, new one’s started, financial gains and deep loses, learning to love the land through Vision Questing, daughters married and grand children being born as well as living as a “forever” soul…ah, such riches!! And ultimately i have been in the constant relationship of care-giving, both professionally as well as with each and every one of my family members on some level, some more than others and at various times. Great joy has come from all this nurturing, supporting, loving!! And now, I’m tired!!

So, what do i do…i come to Thailand in search of my calling, seeking out other care-giving opportunities whether that be exploring The Pachamama Alliance (care-giving of the Earth) or Wildflowers, a home for abused women here in Chiang Mai who lived through the most horrific circumstances to give birth to and raise their babies and children, to name a few. Do you think maybe it’s okay to take some time…perhaps a year or two…just to rest a bit…just maybe??!! My body is exploding in pain, my heart is wracked with guilt and sadness and i’m over here in this little corner of the world spinning out of control…not all the time but enough to feel like i’ve made a BIG mistake. I don’t believe it’s “big” enough to come home though. Eight weeks, after all, is only 8 weeks…i’ve barely landed, really. Jet-lag is certainly over yet sleep is still fleeting, the sweat and stickiness profuse on my skin. The language still sounding like i will never learn a new word…i only know two. Finding food, although delicious, can feel like the life of a hunter/gatherer…open market or supermarket, made by my own hands or the over-abundance of small carts and personal “café-garages” of Thai neighbors along side the road or a nice restaurant…so many choices, different sounds and various scents and smells…it makes my head spin.

What must i do to help my head to stop it’s spin? What daily events must i set into motion to feel a sense of stability, allowing myself the space and time to answer the questions that have been burned into my soul by way of this journey overseas? My practice now must be to “allow the mud to settle”. There is no seeing the bottom for answers if i continue to look through the mud. I keep picking up a stick and poking it into the water, often a very big stick, stirring it around and around, back and forth, sometimes even trying to cross the water when my stick seems big enough to steady my footing. And of course with each poke, each swirl or faltering step the water gets only muddier. And with no help from my stick this river does not carry me any distance, help me reach any destination nor answer any one of my questions.

My head still spins. Time to throw the stick(s) outside my reach, maybe clear across to the other side, and take pause along this river, sit for awhile, allowing myself to watch as things flow downstream…and out of site. Let them flow, the tears, the yearnings, the ideas, the dreams…for a time. Once there is nothing more in my sight, once my mind is emptied and my heart is no longer burdened, then i can start looking at what’s up the river, what’s heading my way. Perhaps there will be some answers. And if nothing else hopefully the water will be clear, the mud having settled…enough.

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Drawing Out

It takes me about 12 hours to pull someone out of a blank sheet of paper. I start with the eyes because that creates a sort of partnership – it’s hard to have that until I can see the eyes.  Sometimes my brush strokes on the his forehead were too angled and he’d spend the next few hours looking angry at me, other times the shadow under his mouth would be too dark and he would pout. But he slowly emerged pretty much as I’d intended. It’s sort of like child birth without the pain, anxiety, hormone fluctuations and college fund.

Toom would come by and look at my drawing. He’d point at the noise, “nose not good” then point at the photo “make like this”. I asked if I could move on to old people next. He said. “you very good student, but you too fast for old people, you slow down, do another child”

Since we closed Cymbic in 2002 my minimum effort has exceeded the expectations of the places I’ve worked. The bar just kept getting lower. Until it got to the point where showing up was good enough and merely stepping over the bar exhausted me. I think  the energy available to me is proportional to the challenge put before me. It feels good not to be good enough.

 

 

 

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Of Tribal Crafts and Red Dirt Roads

We ventured into the hills on Saturday afternoon, heading east along a 12-mile (18 kilometers) stretch of road in search of the arts and crafts factories with the promise of seeing villagers producing their wares…Thai silk weavings and pure cotton, silver and lacquer ware, ornate teak carvings, painted umbrellas and Ceylon pottery. Driving towards the town of San Kampaeng we quickly realized that these factories are actually behind us, already passed along the road and housed along the main street bordering our MooBan (neighborhood), many within walking distance of our home, basically in our own back yard. We’re still newbies…what can I say??!! Along the way we passed an ornate gate to the north, the entrance of Bo Sang, the village known for their intricate designs painted on paper umbrellas of various sizes, as I looked longingly, knowing this was a turn we should have taken… yet, for another time. Continuing our journey we left the hustle and energy of “city” life behind and soon found ourselves in the countryside best known for what seemed like…rice! Rice paddies everywhere, checker-boarding the land like cornfields of the Midwest and fruit orchards and vineyards of No. California…ah, home!!! We saw cows…not the typical dairy or meat cattle common to our eyes but working cows, more like the oxen you’d see pulling carts through town during the early 1900’s, knowing that in some parts of this strange land they are used this way, still. At one point we came upon a group of perhaps 7 or 8 workers, both men and women, pounding the ground with straw brooms. On closer inspection we surmised that it was the newly harvested rice from the a-joining rice field, perhaps preparing it for market that evening for it was only about 2:00pm, the night markets getting underway around 5pm in most places. We hoped they would be there on our way back so that we might take a picture of their labors…such an exquisite and grounding display.

Heading further east and making sure to check our landmarks so as not to get lost upon our return, the road narrowed, the traffic thinned and the homes became what appeared to be the poverty stricken parts of Thailand, interspersed between very large, walled-in and colorful estates. Children playing along the roads, dogs lazily strolling here and there and small food stands and markets dotting the roadside…how do they ever stay in business, Russ wondered? The smell of crops burning and the tell-tale sights along the low hillsides, smoke burning our eyes and parching our throats as we continued our exploration.

Hillside Stupa. note: Russ is the small line in the foreground -- this is a very big Stupa

Dragon guarding the Stupa

  

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shortly up ahead I noticed what appeared to be a temple along the hill, a white spire topped in gold, symbolic of a place of devotion. “Let’s go there” I said, pointing ahead and slightly to the right. Keeping his eyes diligently on the road as well as in his review mirror, a skill Russ has become very adept at, he followed my directions, keeping this point of interest in my line of sight. Making one wrong turn and being watched suspiciously by a man

Buddha in the Meditation hall

behind his fence…knowing Thai people are not suspicious at all but, hey, we’re Americans, after all…we turned around and found a very narrow, red dirt road. With some uncertainty but letting intuition take over we ventured forth, finding ourselves weaving and swerving around potholes and crevices in the rocky ground, hoping our tires would hold up. After a few brief inclines and a couple of turns we came upon, not a temple but a Stupa, with white dragons, statues of what we’re not sure and what appeared to be an open meditation hall. It housed a golden Buddha and a heart shaped ring of blue flowers, holding the space for spiritual enlightenment if not just socializing…aka partying, something the Thai people value greatly in all aspects their daily lives. Butterflies, a few bigger than we’ve seen to date, and sweet smelling flowers were everywhere. We walked around taking pictures and letting our imaginations run with the energies of the land.

A monk transcended, leaving only his robe behind

By now we were tired and knew we had seen our fill, already 2+ hours on the scooter, our backs and butts quite sore. We headed back down the bumpy, creviced road through the fields of rice paddies, seeing the workers we’d hope to photograph done for the day and having a refreshment under a tarp attached to their truck…even the native people get exhausted in this heat. Dogs roaming, children chasing, in search of a refreshment of our own and found along the roadside, me choosing a syrupy sweet orange something and Russ opting for water. Upon arriving at the first little town we were detoured through the streets as they were setting up for their own night market, the tireless efforts of the shop keepers who take up and then take down their tables and stalls day after day after day…commerce, Thai style.  What I thought might be a day of shopping the beauties of Chiang Mai tribal crafts turned into an inspiring example of another taste of the daily lives, both spiritual joined with family life, of these people in the “Land of Smiles”. We arrived home, stiff and achy from more than 3 hours on a motor scooter but happy and enriched from the findings of our journey and the evidence of a life not lived nor understood.

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Monks are Funny

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Wat Phrathat Doi Suthep

Just a few of the many images of Buddha

Russ and i finally ventured out and did our first touristy thing…we went to the biggest temple in all of Chiang Mai, up along the side of the mountain to the West of the city…it’s what keeps Chiang Mai cooler than the rest of the country…yeah right!!!??? It’s called “Wat Phrathat Doi Suthep Rajvoravihara” and it’s pretty spectacular. An interesting blend of reverence and down right picture taking opportunities for your average tourist…Thai people combined with Westerners…a bit mind/heart boggling. Still it was beautiful!!! Many different representations of the Buddha, with people entering various “rooms” to pray and be blessed by the monks who whisked water over their heads and gave them white twine around their wrists to protect them from evil spirits when going back into the world. There were beautiful girls and young women in dress, dancing sacred dances.

Monks blessing pilgrims

Young girl in traditional costume dances

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had the opportunity to buy a lotus flower, 3 incense and 2 yellow candles which we lit and placed in a collective urn and candle holders after walking around a square three times holding a wish or intention in our hearts as we walked….reminding me of walking the Labyrinth at Grace Cathedral and moving me to tears.

We wandered for 2 1/2 hours taking in the energy of the people as well as many pictures. There is a rule against taking pictures of the monks and upon several attempts Russ managed to get a few in his view screen yet several times it was if they vaporized from sight as he clicked the shutter…they just disappeared…surreal!!

I didn't know I wasn't supposed to take pictures of monks -- rules were never my strong suite

The sounds were really rich, a combination of music for the dancing, shaking of incense in bamboo canisters for fortune telling, bells chiming, people talking and laughing, children playing and crying and dogs…always dogs…barking…a symphony, really, all blended together in harmony. Two highlights for me was, first, while kneeling in a beautiful ornate room with two monks waiting for their next devotees, a single woman entered, bowed in the typical fashion to the Buddha, on knees, hands in prayer held just below her chin bowing 3 times, then “walking” on her knees to the monks, one whom she spoke to for what seemed like a blessing who then proceeded to spray/splash water on her with reeds, and the other, tying her protective white string around her wrist…then she gracefully left, once again on her knees (you can never have your head higher than Buddha or a monk)…and second, taking pictures of two darling girls, certainly from one of the Hill Tribes, on the descending stair case waiting with open hands for money…GLADLY will i contribute!!

Young girls in traditional costume

While descending these stairs we enter an open market with all sorts of souvenirs reminding us that yes this is a place of worship couple with commerce…can we ever get away from this??? Once at the bottom of this 100+ staircase we ventured into the crowd to find a place to eat before finding our friendly taxi driver…who has almost become part of our “Thai” family, offering him a shot of whiskey after showing us a trick on our webcam…such a guy…only in Thailand!!!!

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Finding my path

So I was walking in the Night Bazaar last week and I saw some amazing artists working, and I remembered a decision I had to make 28 years ago. Should I become a fine-artist or a commercial-artist? Fine art was where my heart was but I lacked the confidence and I didn’t see how I could support my family so I became a commercial artist and headed to San Francisco. But now I have confidence (or at least I don’t mind failing, which is close to confidence) and I don’t need much money —  so I went up to the first artist I saw and asked, “can you teach me to draw like that?” he said “Lon wat ng”, hmmm….so I went up to a second artist and asked the same question, he said “Mi twang lok” hmmm…so I went up to the third artist and asked again, and he said “Sure, it take 4,000 Baht and 30 day”. Cool — Now I spend all day, every day from 10am–5pm in the basement of a three story building in the heart of the bazaar. I get there when the other artists arrive and the stalls are just opening. Every day I sit on a small steel stool surrounded by Thai artists, trinket hawkers, scrawny dogs in torn T-shirts, ancient shop owners and lost tourists. They play a lot of 70’s rock and roll mixed together with some kind of Thai sitcom on a portable TV– I eat fried bananas, rice with green things in it and…something else. My strokes are too hard, I move too fast, Toon (my teacher) said I must slow down to get control. “Move more slow” – “be more soft” he says.  (he reminds me of Kenichi) — I’ve been trying to learn this for years – strange how things show up. Anyway I’m starting on young people, then old people, then I’ll learn color. 27 Days to go.

the Studio where I live

My first sketch

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Hello (sa-wat-dee)

I’m finally feeling landed enough to now share a bit of how we’re doing in the Land of Smiles. Where to start…

We arrived in Chiang Mai two weeks ago today and spent 9 days in a very sweet hotel with a wonderful staff. Beautiful views and landscaped grounds with an abundance of butterflies, birds and very small squirrels, nice pool, limited but tasty menu and VERY hard beds!!! Our first full day here we suffered a minor mishap, crashing our rented motor scooter in which i seriously bruised my sternum and ribcage and sprained a wrist. Not letting this stop me…really?…

 we began our house-hunting and after seeing 5 very different homes in 3 very different districts we now live in a GREAT 3 bedroom, 3 bath, fully furnished house in a super nice area, very rural and right on a canal that supplies water to the many rice paddies in the area. We call it our “Candyland” house, named because of the very wild paint colors on the walls. Think of lime and raspberry sherbet and that’s the living room… the rest of the house just think of the colors on the Candyland board and there you have it…lots of fun!! In the two houses next to us there lives a gay couple (one from N.J. been here 20 years and his Thai partner) and next an American man (website developer), his Thai wife and 1 year old daughter. All three of these houses are owned by the same Belgium man and Thai wife. We’ve been invited to dinner at the gay couples house tomorrow night…great connections!

 

  

We have a dock off our patio to this river

We have found a wonderful connection with the taxi cab driver who picked us up at the airport our first day. His English is okay and is helping us with our Thai (yeah, right). He has driven us here, there and all over helping us transport all the things we’ve needed to set up housekeeping…a washing machine, water cooler, printer and various small items…you know the drill. The last thing we’ll need is a desk and two chairs and he’ll be johnny-on-the-spot for that as well. We pay him well and he’s a goldmine of info and support. Russ bought our scooter from his brother who is also a mechanic so a good deal all around. Driving…somewhat nightmarish as it’s on the opposite side than the states with very few “rules”…cars, trucks, tuk-tuks (3 wheeled open “taxis”), scooters and bike all sharing the road and zipping in and out with no barriers between you and the on-coming traffic. It’s amazing to me seeing women with very young children on the seat in front of them being held in with just their arms. And sometimes even families of 4 on the same scooter…WOW!!! Slowly, very slowly Russ is getting used to it.  Me…i think I’ll purchase a bicycle and stay in my own little Moo Ban (neighborhood).
One evening, from the hotel, we took a van into old town Chiang Mai (inside the wall/gate) and went to what is called the Sunday Night Market. Picture, say, the Thursday night San Rafael market and multiply that by, oh, I don’t know….1000+++ and you’ve got the scene we walked into…sights and sounds that were beyond my imagination, sometimes being squished and squeezed like sardines for a full block, lines of blind musicians down the center of the streets sitting and playing the most beautiful music, Thais, Chinese, Hill Tribe folk and Ex-pats all together for a common purpose, eating and buying goods and wares…quite eye-opening and something I know we’ll do again…sometime….later…MUCH!!

Gratitude’s…the people, the food (some weird stuff but mostly YUM!), observing a meal ceremony in a temple for the youngest of young monks-in-training, cross-breezes through our very open/screened house, lizards on the walls everywhere (and their sweet chirps), Skypeing with the kids once a week, drinking water delivered to our house, music brought from home, butterflies, being inside during a rain storm with all our screens open (happening right now!!), our growing group of Ex-pat friends, and all of you for reading this very long e-mail!!!

 
Challenges…slowing down, the language (expected), learning the monetary system, the weather/climate (UGH!!!! I think I’ll cut my hair VERY short), reliable Internet connection, the time difference between here and California, feeling tired a lot of the time (not sure i expected this one), too hot or  still sore to do Yoga/exercise, clothes not drying completely due to the humidity (there are no clothes dryers), hard beds (still).

Once Russ and I feel a little more grounded and Russ feels comfortable with his work schedule we’ll venture out into some of the outlying areas and do some of the touristy things like a Thai cooking class or two, one if not all of the Elephant camps and preserves, heading to the hills to visit the tribes that live and work up there, and eventually crossing some borders into Laos, Vietnam, Malaysia and Burma (Myanmar) and beyond…YIKES!! For now we’re happy just setting up our house and building new routines….now where did i put my vitamins?????

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